(Grief, Widows) Dear friends who have experienced loss: Psychology for the grieving widow and those who have had to deal with death.

Dear friends who have experienced loss:

by Lisa on August 4, 2010 as a sympathic letter to those who were not only widows and widowers, but they were also hard on themselves because society was telling them that they should be better. Several heard the statements, "Move on."

Evaluating what we lost in losing a mate, you see when the loss of a spouse occurs one doesn’t just lose a husband or wife. We must give ourselves a break with however long it takes us to heal. It is the loss of the roles that person played in your life, as well as your life the way you knew it.

In my case, I lost many people, my husband, very best friend, companion, life partner, lover, father to my children, parent to me, teacher, manager, navigator, planner, bill payer, house cleaner, car tag renewer, financial planner, admirer, the giver of unconditional love, my biggest supporter, and validator.

The identity takes a hit too, no longer are you a: couple, co- parent, married, taken care of, befriended, loved, unlonely, encouraged, comforted, or cultivated. Replacing those self-identities is abandonment, desolation, an outcast, detached, forlorn, forsaken, hermit, isolated, lonesome, single, unaccompanied, unaided, unattached, unattended, unescorted, unsocial, withdrawn, cast off, companionless, dejected, gloomy, miserable, depressive, sorrowful, wearisome, despondent, alienated, cut off, without ties, black, cheerless, comfortless, dark, discouraging, disheartening, dismal, drear, dreary, funereal, grim, hard, harsh, hopeless, joyless, lonely, melancholy, mournful, oppressive, sad, and somber. You are no longer a social butterfly, you are now in your ugly cocoon.

I am writing this because some of you have expressed disappointment with your healing progress or ability to “get on with it”. Relax, you have a lot to get past; a lot of your "known world" just ended. Did I leave anything out? If you’re feeling something else, feel free to add more. Our experiences are similar, but we heal as individuals. I hope peace, love, and some joy will enter the life of those who can relate to this reading.

Do you ever hear yourself say, "I'm not good enough?" Psychology/ Christian Scripture to help those with a low self esteem to realize they are valuable and have a purpose.

Do you ever hear yourself say, "I'm not good enough?"

Have you ever felt not good enough, not equipped, unworthy or undeserving of a special undertaking? Is there a job promotion your afraid to go for? Is there a vocation in your vision, a great purpose, or life change you feel pressed to do? Is there a passion inside of yourself that you talk yourself out of because it is too late? I have found myself in the shoes of one who does not feel “good enough”. In the story of Isaiah, we read of his feelings of wrongdoing, of being unclean, and undone, while feeling full of iniquities, Isaiah becomes useful and rises to the project at hand. The following is the story of how Isaiah became a prophet. Isaiah writes in 6:1-8 (New K.James Version):

1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple. 2 Above it stood seraphim (angels); each one had six wings: with two he covered his face, with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. 3 And one cried to another and said:

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts;
The whole earth is full of His glory!”
4 And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke.
5 So I said:

“Woe is me, for I am undone!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King,
The LORD of hosts.”

6 Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the altar. 7 And he touched my mouth with it, and said:

“Behold, this has touched your lips;
Your iniquity is taken away,
And your sin purged.”

8 Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:

“Whom shall I send,
And who will go for Us?”

Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”

Learning from Isaiah, can we as a people, stop the negative self talk and become useful by realizing we are uniquely equipped to use our abilities to serve the task at hand, knowing the mission that is set before us for us to do?

Thoughts on cliches/Ask for help: Psychology for widows (grief), those who have experienced loss, and for family and friends to educate on how to help a loved one suffering from grief.

This is a piece I wrote last September in response to some dear friends and their pain. It seemed to aid in their healing, so I am posting it here, again.

I hear you. I know you have been going through a tough time, hurt by well-intended but misinformed friends’ words… I saw your statement regarding the question “Is there anything I can do?”… I also wanted to scream: “bring my husband back”, “get me my life back”, “provide me a time machine”, “give my kids their security back.. w their dad who will love, be there, & adore them!”

My preacher told me, people in your life need to do something… it will make them feel good to simply do anything. So, give them something they can do to make your life a bit easier. I had zero energy to extend, as I am sure you do. So, I came up w a lame, “food” response whenever I was asked that question. I would instead ask for specific food, like no tomato sauced casseroles (anything acidic will not be edible for me)… I got down to 108 lbs. A dear friend (Susan, thk you) brought over the only dish I could eat …Lol, a beef brisket! Never a huge fan of them bf, but it hit the spot, & I devoured that thing!

So, ask for basic, no casserole meals w/o sauce, ask for yard work, and ask for housework (I know what ur house looks like right now), and ask for childcare… if you can get yourself to accept: a massage, a nature walk; a simple pleasure. My father in law, whom I trust, filed  into labeled folders, my massive amount of death paperwork for me. It was a huge help to tackle the mountain on my dining room table! It was the one task I hated! Ask family w expertise to help you.

In a situation that is out of anyone’s control, people want & need to do something… make them feel good by letting them help you. I wish I would have let more people help me, instead of using my precious energy on all the tasks I independently jumped on all by myself. With less to do, I could have been there for my kids more, for example.

I heard and thought in response the following:

“I know how you feel”… Unless you’re a widow, you really don’t.

“He would want you to get on with your life”… Maybe so, but he would also understand why I’m so sad.

“Be glad you had him as long as you did”… Of course I’m glad! I’m mourning all the months & yrs my kids & I won’t have him!

“It’s probably a blessing for the best”… Even when the death brings some feelings of release, it doesn’t feel like a blessing.

“Time heals all wounds”… Actually, time by itself doesn’t heal; mourning does.

“It’s all part of God’s plan”… Then God has pretty crappy planning skills. Although, I can actually see this one now. ;-)

Don’t take this advice to heart. Such clichés are often offered bc people do not know what else to say: The problem is, phrases like these diminish your unique & significant loss.

I considered clichés I spoke to mourners in the past in an attempt to comfort them. Forgive yourself as you forgive your friends.

I hope this helps you & the friends who read this to know better what to say to you. Huggs…

Food facts with Best Grains to include in Your Diet: Diet, Chart ranking protein & fiber in food, How to eat healthy.

Eating healthy is a great way to feel better.

The Daily food chart:

Fats: 2 servings (like one tsp of olive oil per serving) or sparingly

Dairy: 2-3 servings

Fruits: 2-4 servings

Vegetables: 3-5 servings

Fish, Poultry, Meat, Dry Beans, Eggs, Nuts, Legumes: 2-3 servings

Grains, bread, cereal, rice, pasta 6 servings

For vegetarians, the food chart to consider whenever planning your day is:

Fats:2 servings
Dairy (if you allow): 2-3 servings

Fruits 2-4 servings

Vegetables: 4-6 servings

Legumes, nuts, & other protein rich foods: 5 servings

Grains (that can also have a high protein count, like Quinoa): 6-11 servings

Best Grains and how they Rank:

It's misleading, if not impossible, to rank grains. Their relative value depends on what nutrients you are looking for. Is one nutrient more important than another? Is fiber more important than protein? Maybe, if you're a senior citizen, but not if you're a child. Do you judge nutritional value by nutrients per ounce, or nutrients per calorie? When you see any rating system for food, take it with a grain of salt and remember that variety is an important key to healthy eating.

In spite of these difficulties, I decided to give it a try and rate the twelve most common grains according to the following nutrients: protein, fiber, iron, zinc, folic acid, vitamin E, riboflavin, niacin, thiamine, and calcium. If you assign one point for each of these nutrients, the ratings come out as follows:

Total Nutrient Points (highest to lowest)	Fiber Content (grams per serving)	Protein (grams per serving)
1. Amaranth 2. Rye 3. Oats 4. Wild rice 5. Millet 6. Barley 7. Quinoa 8. Buckwheat 9. Whole wheat 10. Brown rice 11. White rice 12. Corn	1. Barley 2. Amaranth 3. Whole wheat 4. Rye 5. Buckwheat 6. Millet 7. Oats 8. Wild Rice 9. Quinoa 10. Corn 11. Brown Rice 12. White Rice	1. Amaranth 2. Oats 3. Rye 4. Wild rice 5. Millet 6. Quinoa 7. Barley 8. Whole wheat 9. Buckwheat 10. Corn 11. Brown Rice 12. White Rice

The grains highest in calcium, ranked in order are: amaranth, quinoa, oats, barley, rye, and whole wheat. Gluten-free grains are: corn, rice, soy. (Buckwheat may contain a small amount of gluten.) The top five grains for iron are: quinoa, amaranth, oats, enriched rice, millet and barley. The top grains for zinc (an important immune-booster) are: wild rice, rye, amaranth, oats, and quinoa. The top grains for folic acid are: millet, wild rice, rye, amaranth, and oats.

Veggie Burgers or Croquettes: Recipes for Everyone,Vegetarians, or Diabetics. Vegetables, healthy eating, meat subsitute meals.

 Make ahead Veggie Burger or Croquette (can keep in the refrigerator for a week or freeze patties):

Note: Read label on back of dried beans; rinse, add water, bring to boil, add lid and let sit overnight is usually the easiest way to deal w the dried beans.  You can substitute any bean in recipes, black beans have a mushroom taste, Adzuki has a sweet nutty flavor, Cranberry beans have a mild flavor, and etc; experiment to find your favorite, because all beans have a high protein and fiber content.

1. The Black- Eyed Pea Burgers:

¾ C dry black-eyed peas, (Rinse black eyed peas, cover with water, and cook stirring occasionally, until soft, 30-45 min’s.)

Water

½ C quinoa

1 T olive oil

1 T soy sauce

½ t dry thyme

½ dry basil

1 t paprika

½ C toasted whole-grain bread crumbs

Dash salt

Fresh ground black pepper

2 t olive oil

Add 1 C water to quinoa, cover, and simmer until quinoa is tender and water has been absorbed, about 20 min’s.

When the black-eyed peas are cooked, drain, then mash in food processor. Stir in oil and soy sauce, and then add quinoa, thyme, basil, black pepper to taste, and paprika. The mixture should be thick and slightly sticky. Make into patties about 1 ½ inch thick.

Or

2. The Hummus Burger:

2 ½ C’s sprouted, dried, or canned garbanzo beans

4 Lg eggs

½ t salt

1/3 C chopped fresh cilantro

1 chopped onion

Grated zest of one Lg lemon

1 C chopped micro sprouts (try broccoli, onion, or alfalfa)

1 C toasted whole grain bread crumbs

1 Tbl olive oil

Combine:  Either soaked and cooked dried beans, or steamed sprouted garbanzos, or canned, as is (depending on which form of bean you choose) to eggs and salt in food processor. Puree until chunky and hummus looking.  Add cilantro, onion, zest and sprouts (although, hold off on sprouts if you’re going to freeze patties). Add breadcrumbs. (If too dry, add more egg or water). Form into 1 ½ inch thick patties.

Or

3. The Aduki or Black Bean Burger:

15 oz. Aduki beans or (Black bean, whatever bean you like)

1 t of yeast extract

1 chopped onion

2 chopped cloves of garlic

½ C Toasted whole grain bread crumbs

1 T Olive oil

1 C Flour (just enough to coat burgers, you will have extra to throw away)

½ t Salt

Fresh ground black pepper

Prepare beans by soaking, bringing to a boil dried beans, or use canned as is. Mash half of beans in food processor. Sauté, or fry chopped onion, and chopped garlic in 1 T oil. Add yeast extract, Sauté on low heat; take out of pan into a bowl. Add the remainder of the beans, black pepper to taste, and bread crumbs, form into patties, coat w flour.

To Bake:

Oven is preheated at 350. Bake burgers on a lightly sprayed, with Vegetable, or Olive Oil (Pam) cookie sheet for 20 min’s. Turn each croquette or burger, and bake for another 20 min’s, should be golden.

Or

To Cook on Stove Top in Skillet:

Heat 1 T olive oil (or Pam Oil Spray) in a heavy skillet over medium heat, add about four patties at a time, cover and cook for 7 to 10 min’s, until the bottoms begin to brown. Turn up heat if there is no browning after 10 min’s. Flip the patties and cook for another 7 min’s, until golden.

How to serve:

Place patty on a whole-grain bun. Serve with your favorite toppings: avocado slices, sweet onion slices, vine-ripened tomato slices, various grilled vegetables, thin cucumber slices, various lettuce leaves (the darker green the better, ice burg has the lowest nutritional value), various sprouts, and various sauces that you find in my future posts on this site). You can even carefully cut each patty in half; insert your favorite fillings to enjoy.

An Easy Handmade Item, an animal print Blanket: Sewing, arts & crafts gift or for your home.

 Every year I get out the sewing needles to make handmade gifts. In my family they are appreciated more than the store bought ones. Those that see the end results usually think I spent more time on the project than the reality of it all. A blanket is the easiest sewing project that will make those around you marvel at your skill. Depending on the age of the person you are sewing for, the size of the blanket will be smaller for a young child, than for an adult with a queen sized bed. 

Purchase 1 to 2 yards of two types of fabric that suit the one receiving this gift, sew or surger around three sides, right sides together. Turn from inside out to right side out, now you have one unfinished edge. Iron about 1 inch under to form a hem, so that the outside does not have the raw edges, they are turned into the sleeping bag shape. Pin in place, now sew together w a zigzag, decorative stitch, or a simple number 4 on the setting for a large plain stitch.  In the picture the top is folded over; I usually make the top fold over for a decorate edge, but it is unnecessary. 

You can also sew holiday themed blankets to spice up your holiday Decor! 

Happy sewing…

Winter Garden: What you can plant in a winter weather Garden. Chart for cold seasonal gardening.

The beautiful flourishing summer garden is now a winter garden. Onions, Garlic, Collard Greens, Mustard Greens, Kale, Swiss chard, Broccoli, Brussels sprouts, Cabbage and Herbs are the winter vegetables that are still continuing. The Herbs that are hardy and remain are: Mint, Rosemary, Thyme, Oregano, Sage, Chives and Garlic. If you would like to see some color throughout the winter; I also have decorative Kales and Cabbages in my front lawn. If you decide to plant them, however, do so where deer cannot eat them. This year mine are now nubs…

There are certain vegetables that are best suited to a winter vegetable garden.

• 90 Days to Maturity

·        

• Beet
• Carrot
• Parsnip
• Rutabaga
• Globe onion
• Brussels sprouts
• Cabbage
• Cauliflower
• 60 Days to Maturity

·        

• Early carrot
• Leek
• Turnip
• Kohlrabi
• Early cabbage
• Collard greens
• Swiss chard
• 30 Days to Maturity

·        

• Chive
• Radish
• Leaf lettuce
• Spinach

Simply look on the back of your seed packet if you are going to grow a second crop for the year, note how much time the plants need to get to maturity before the first frost and plan accordingly. There is nothing like getting the fresh produce from your garden all year long!